Stage 3: Bargaining

Fourth in my series on grief and job loss ...

The third stage of grief is Bargaining. This is a difficult stage because your mind can play all kind of tricks on you. This is also the period of time where your self esteem takes the biggest hit.

• You want things to go back to the way they were.
• You want to stop feeling like a failure.
• The partner of bargaining is Guilt. You begin to blame yourself for not being better ... smarter ... quicker ... more competent ...
• That voice in your head screams a litany of "If onlys"
• You may find yourself praying. "Please don't let this happen to me again. If you help me find a job with a stable company, I promise to _________ (fill in the blank) ."
• You may even be holding on to the dream that your boss will suddenly realize s/he can't live without out you and want to rehire you.

Sound familiar?

Bargaining is a natural stage in the grieving process. It can help you feel a reprieve from the pain and anger of losing your job. In reality, you know you can't change the past, but the "what ifs" give you the feeling that you're doing SOMETHING ... preparing for the future ... thinking about how to keep it from happening the next time. The bargaining stage can be the bridge that helps give you a respite from the pain and gives you the time you need to move forward.

As you move through the bargaining process, the mind alters past events while exploring all those "what if" and "if only" statements. You may find yourself rationalizing what happened. If you can be completely honest with yourself, you may discover the job was no longer a good fit for you. In these days of mergers and acquisitions, the company culture you signed onto may have morphed into something very different. As the organization changed, you may have tried to change with it, or you may have been unable to figure out how to make it work. No matter how much you analyze it, the final result is the same ...

What can you do to help yourself through the Bargaining and Guilt stage? My advice to you is ...

• Instead of bargaining, focus your time on writing your success stories. Spend some time thinking about and writing about the times you had fun in your job. What is it that made you feel satisfied? Focusing on times when you've felt successful and happy will help you begin the healing process and prepare you to look forward toward the future.
• Find someone you trust to talk to. Sometimes the feedback of an honest friend (or a career coach) can help you see the reality in your situation and help you move forward.
• Accept the fact that finding a new job is your responsibility. Your boss is not going to call. No white knight or old friend is going to swoop in and rescue you. You have to begin to take positive steps of your own to begin your job search.
• Trust that you will find a new opportunity. The operative word here is "YOU." YOU have to get yourself out there. YOU have to figure out what's next. YOU have to seek the help you need to move forward.

While bargaining is a normal part of the job loss grieving process, it is largely focused on the past which is not necessarily a productive place to be.

Learn what you need to learn about yourself and your past experiences and then figure out how to turn yourself around and focus on your future.

You will feel successful again!

Stage 2: Anger

Third post in the series on job loss and the stages of grief ...

Now that you've moved past the Denial and Isolation stage, anger may be setting in. That anger can take on some or all of the following forms:

• Anger at yourself that you missed or ignored the warning signs
• Anger at company management for continually trying to do more with less
• Anger at your manager because s/he chose you
• Anger that you didn't have time to "say goodbye"
• Anger at the people who survived that you think might not be "pulling their weight" ("it's not fair")
• Anger that other departments seem to be overstaffed (more "it's not fair")
• Anger at the state of the economy in general
• Anger at your higher source for "letting this happen to you"
• Anger at your significant other for not being more supportive
• Anger at your family and friends for asking you continually "So how's the job search going"
• Anger at that doggone computer that seems to be so slow when you're filling in an on line job application
• Anger that you've spent all that time making your resume look distinctive and all the website wants is a text file
• Anger at the black hole your resume seem to find when you apply for jobs
• Anger at yourself that you can't figure out what to do next

That is certainly a great deal of anger! Now, you may not be feeling all of that (Note to my family members and friends: You were incredibly supportive!) but, if you're out of work, you are sure to have experienced anger at some level. This, too, is natural and you will need some willpower and determination to get past it.

Keep in mind ... just who is your anger affecting? Is your former boss affected by it? Does your computer feel the fury? How about those job posting websites? Any chance that they'll get any better because you're frustrated? The only person your anger affects is you (and any unfortunate but caring family members who happen to call at just the wrong time!)
Once again, my friend, the answer lies in your attitude. You can be enraged and let the fury consume you, so that you can't find even a glimmer of a silver lining in all this. Or you can choose to vent for a bit and then get past it and look for the new opportunities. You can spend your days rehashing the unfairness of it all ... casting blame wherever you can fling it. Or you can forgive anyone or anything that may have had a hand in it and be open to the possibility that it just might have been the best thing that ever happened to you, career wise that is.

Your path is your choice ... and yours alone! You may even want to write your former boss a thank you note (to be mailed at some future date when you actually FEEL thankful) ... or not.

Anger is a very real, strong, albeit not very productive, feeling. My advice to you is ...

• Forgive yourself for feeling angry and figure out how to let it go! And, just so you know, you may have to talk yourself through this several times over before you're done.
• Take some time every day to focus on the things for which you are grateful ... some of them may even be things you didn't have a chance to do when you were working (like picking up your children after school, or going to the gym, or taking that yoga class you've always wanted to try). It's hard to feel angry and grateful at the same time.
• Take some time to focus on your own personal wellness whether that be in physical, emotional or spiritual ways. I guarantee you that you'll feel better as a result.
• Take time to laugh every day. Buy a Dave Barry calendar (my husband's personal favorite) or read a cartoon or watch a sitcom that makes you laugh until you cry. The effect can be miraculous!

You deserve to be happy, and you can't be happy while you're deep in the throes of your anger.

Choose happiness!

Stage 1: Denial and Isolation

In my last post, I noted 5 stages of dealing with grief. They are pertinent to any kind of emotional loss you experience. In this and the other posts on the topic, I'll be addressing stages as they apply to the loss of a job ...

Denial ... it's not a river in Egypt! It's a very real part of life. When something happens that evokes a deep emotional feeling, it's natural to deny that it hurts ... that you're disappointed ... that you're afraid of what happens next. Many people who lose a job keep their feelings inside. They rationalize the "whys" in their head while they deny the hurt in their heart. They tell everyone that it really is no big deal while they hide the fear that nobody will hire them. They walk a lonely path. They may be afraid to let others see the vulnerability.

I can tell you this from my own personal experience ... it isn't easy! After working for the same company for 31 years through mergers, acquisitions, divestitures, and moving my family more than 300 miles, I found myself unemployed for the first time in my life. In my mind I knew it was a business decision ... but how could this happen to me? I'm a smart person. I did my job to the best of my ability and I was successful, at least on some level, or I wouldn't have had so many promotions, new challenges and opportunities to grow.

In today's economy, this is a very common story. People who have given so much to their companies suddenly find the job or the company just isn't there any longer. Everyone knows someone who has been in this situation ... smart, capable people with good work ethics who, for whatever reason, find themselves without a job. And although you know you're not alone, you feel very much like you are.

Maybe you see yourself in this picture. Have you told the people you love that this happened to you? Have you shared that you're going through a difficult time? Have you come to grips with the fact that you need to look for a new opportunity? Are you afraid that you don't know how to do that because you've worked for the same company your whole life? Are you worried that you don't know what today's technology can do for you in your search? Does the thought of using technology or facing an interview make you break out in a cold sweat?

Well, my advice to you is ... take it one step at a time ...

• Find a way to tell your exit story without emotion and in less than 30 seconds. "It is what it is" and there's no possible good in rehashing the hurt. You'll need a good outlook on the break with your old company when you face a prospective employer anyway ... why not start now!
• Reach out to your family and friends and let them know you're looking for a new opportunity. Don't hide yourself away. You may not know what that new job will look like right away but don't be afraid to talk about it with the people who care about you. They might even have creative ideas on how you can use your many talents.
• Take advantage of any outplacement training opportunities you may have. If your company didn't provide any, check with your local Workforce Development department. They often offer classes to help you navigate your job search or learn new skills (as well as help you understand the world of unemployment).
• Find the time to do something to help someone else -- it will have a very positive affect on your psyche to be able to share your gifts with someone who needs help.
• Get out of your house!!! Find a networking group or professional organization to join. You'll make good contacts that might lead you to your next position. (If you are in the Boston area, you may want to try WIND, a wonderful networking group which provides job seekers a chance to network with each other during times of career change and sharpen job search skills. http://windnetworking.net/ )
• Find yourself a good career coach who can help you remember your success stories, figure out what you want to do next, organize your search, overcome obstacles to your success, set goals and keep you on a positive path.

Remember, every step you take is one step toward your next opportunity!

It's Happened to Me AGAIN!

Are you a person who has experienced one or more than one layoff recently? In today's economy, you are not the exception - you're the rule. Everyone knows someone who has experienced a layoff. If you are one of those people, what feelings can you expect to experience? How can you find the energy and the focus to more forward? How can you help a friend who is devastated by a layoff?

Leaving a job for whatever reason, means letting go of a part of your life.

If it's a voluntary move, you may have feelings of sadness that you're leaving someplace familiar where you've established friendships. Perhaps you even feel like you're leaving a family behind. These are very natural feelings, but they often take a back seat to the excitement of a new opportunity.

On the other hand, if it seems like your job has "left you" either through a layoff or perhaps being fired, there is also a feeling of loss but the feeling is often much deeper. You may feel that it isn't fair. You may be asking "why me." You may be feeling that the choices you made in your life weren't good ones. Perhaps you begin to hear that voice that says "maybe it's me ... maybe I just wasn't good enough." On top of that, you also have the feeling of leaving your friendships and work family behind. There's a solitary aspect to where you are now. What do you have to look forward to?

What can you do to find the spark again?

There are certainly a lot of emotions tied up in losing a job. If "misery truly loves company" knowing that you're not the only one with these feelings may help to some extent, but it doesn't pay the bills. It's very easy to find yourself dejected, without energy, feeling like there's nothing to look forward to. Sound depressing? Well, it can be ... but it DOESN'T HAVE TO BE!

The first thing you need to recognize is that this is a loss. It is perfectly natural to experience some or all of the same stages of grief experienced by someone who has survived a tragedy or lost a loved one. While grief may seem unbearable at the time, it is actually part of the healing process. There are five stages to the process: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. These stages were first proposed by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying,” but they are certainly relevant to loss of any kind.

In my next posts, I will discuss the feelings you may experience at each stage and how you can help yourself get through them and move to the final stage ... Acceptance.

Stay tuned!

CHANGE is a 6-Letter Word!

CHANGE -- it means different things to different people. If you type "definition of change" in Google, this is an example of what you get:

• cause to change; make different; cause a transformation;
• an event that occurs when something passes from one state or phase to another;
• undergo a change; become different in essence; losing one's or its original nature;
• become different in some particular way, without permanently losing one's or its former characteristics or essence;
• the action of changing something;
• switch: lay aside, abandon, or leave for another;
• the result of alteration or modification;
• exchange or replace with another, usually of the same kind or category;
• a thing that is different;
• a different or fresh set of clothes;
• transfer: change from one vehicle or transportation line to another.

Wow ... there are certainly a lot of definitions out there, and some of them can conjure up some pretty scary questions in a person's mind. Is change ever a good thing? What if I don't like the change? Suppose the change doesn't make me feel any different? What if other people won't accept my change? Maybe they'll laugh at me for trying. What makes me think I CAN change? Isn't the devil you DO know better than the one you don't? Maybe change just isn't for me.
I want to challenge you to be open to a new way of looking at change ...

• Chances to grow
• Hopeful beginnings
• Adventures to take
• New paths to follow
• Great opportunities
• Exciting new places

There's nothing scary about that! In the end, change, like anything else, is what we make of it. Can you be open to new possibilities? Can you allow for the chance that a change could be the best thing you ever did for yourself? Can you face the naysayers with courage and say "I'm doing this for ME"?

The ability to change is all in your attitude. Will it be scary? ... Perhaps. Could it be risky? ... It's likely. Could it be wonderful and exciting and energizing and fulfilling? ... Most certainly. If you are open to the possibilities of good things happening in your life ... if you start each day believing that your higher power is watching over you ... if you knew who was walking beside you ... if you believe there is always someone there to bear the burdens that are too much for you ... if you knew you couldn't fail ... just think of what you could achieve. The possibilities are endless!

Repeat after me ...

Change is a good thing. Change can be positive. I want to be the very best I can be and use my many gifts to the best of my ability. I will be open to the possibilities of new opportunities in my life and in my career. I am open to being the best I can be. I want to explore new possibilities!

Don't be afraid. You can do it! Take a baby step and try a small change at first. You'll see that the fear and anxiety you experience leading up to it is much worse than the change itself. And the more you accept that change is good ... the easier it will be to make the next change.

It may just be the very best gift you've ever given yourself!

I'd love to hear about the changes you've been open to and how they've affected your life. Please share your story and your encouragement so others can be empowered by your experiences.

Welcome to the New Dmensions Blog!

Not only is this the very first post, but it’s the very first blog for New Dimensions Coaching!

At New Dimensions Coaching, our mission is to empower, inspire and encourage an exploration of possibilities, growth, and fulfillment for people facing the challenges of life and career changes. We guide people along the path to find the life and the work they love.

My name is Karen Miller and I'm a Life & Career Transition Coach. I've created this blog to share tips on job searching, networking, communication, time management, organization, accountability and lots of other topics that will help you find more happiness and fulfillment in your life. I will also be blogging about coaching and how you can benefit by having your very own coach.

Change is inevitable – sometimes we seek it … sometimes it just happens to us. Instead of looking back with regret at what might have been, look to the future and embrace your possibilities. That is where you’ll find your energy, happiness, and fulfillment.

Please check back often!