Stage 3: Bargaining

Fourth in my series on grief and job loss ...

The third stage of grief is Bargaining. This is a difficult stage because your mind can play all kind of tricks on you. This is also the period of time where your self esteem takes the biggest hit.

• You want things to go back to the way they were.
• You want to stop feeling like a failure.
• The partner of bargaining is Guilt. You begin to blame yourself for not being better ... smarter ... quicker ... more competent ...
• That voice in your head screams a litany of "If onlys"
• You may find yourself praying. "Please don't let this happen to me again. If you help me find a job with a stable company, I promise to _________ (fill in the blank) ."
• You may even be holding on to the dream that your boss will suddenly realize s/he can't live without out you and want to rehire you.

Sound familiar?

Bargaining is a natural stage in the grieving process. It can help you feel a reprieve from the pain and anger of losing your job. In reality, you know you can't change the past, but the "what ifs" give you the feeling that you're doing SOMETHING ... preparing for the future ... thinking about how to keep it from happening the next time. The bargaining stage can be the bridge that helps give you a respite from the pain and gives you the time you need to move forward.

As you move through the bargaining process, the mind alters past events while exploring all those "what if" and "if only" statements. You may find yourself rationalizing what happened. If you can be completely honest with yourself, you may discover the job was no longer a good fit for you. In these days of mergers and acquisitions, the company culture you signed onto may have morphed into something very different. As the organization changed, you may have tried to change with it, or you may have been unable to figure out how to make it work. No matter how much you analyze it, the final result is the same ...

What can you do to help yourself through the Bargaining and Guilt stage? My advice to you is ...

• Instead of bargaining, focus your time on writing your success stories. Spend some time thinking about and writing about the times you had fun in your job. What is it that made you feel satisfied? Focusing on times when you've felt successful and happy will help you begin the healing process and prepare you to look forward toward the future.
• Find someone you trust to talk to. Sometimes the feedback of an honest friend (or a career coach) can help you see the reality in your situation and help you move forward.
• Accept the fact that finding a new job is your responsibility. Your boss is not going to call. No white knight or old friend is going to swoop in and rescue you. You have to begin to take positive steps of your own to begin your job search.
• Trust that you will find a new opportunity. The operative word here is "YOU." YOU have to get yourself out there. YOU have to figure out what's next. YOU have to seek the help you need to move forward.

While bargaining is a normal part of the job loss grieving process, it is largely focused on the past which is not necessarily a productive place to be.

Learn what you need to learn about yourself and your past experiences and then figure out how to turn yourself around and focus on your future.

You will feel successful again!